You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
