I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
