Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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