2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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