Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
