did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
