I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
