can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Randomize
