Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
