why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
