be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize