My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
