My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
