And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
