I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Randomize
