i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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