Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
