i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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