I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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