sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
