I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
there's paper in my vomit.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Just invented taco cereal.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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