If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
