I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
