My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
This is classic penis vs brain.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize