i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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