I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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