I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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