If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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