help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
