Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
