I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Randomize
