PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
