just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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