I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
