we're chasing vodka with high fives
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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