a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize