Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
