YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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