So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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