i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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