My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
