sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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