i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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