I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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