I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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