just survived the first fart of the relationship.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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