im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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