awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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