Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
