I'm going to jail i love you
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize