I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
