Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
