somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I have fence marks all over my body
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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