o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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