PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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