At least make sure they are 18
Why
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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